


Not Enough

by OrmondSacker



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Tether(s), M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Recovery, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-14 08:53:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21013082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrmondSacker/pseuds/OrmondSacker
Summary: The crew is finding their legs in the future and need a spot of recreation, but the past does not so easily let go of Hugh nor does his trauma. And though he and Paul have found each other again sometimes their love is not enough.





	Not Enough

In spite of them finding Terralysium abandoned, devoid of any human life and with no obvious answers as to what happened to the people that lived here nearly a thousand years ago, most of the Discovery’s crew have taken to living on its surface with zeal. Perhaps it is simply the joy of having survived the impossible? Perhaps they all found themselves in need of a rest before heading into the truly unknown of this strange time? 

Whatever the reason a simple base had been built near one of the planet’s northern forests, just east of a plain of rolling hills and near a grand lake. A lake that some of the crew had decided would make a great spot for a picnic and a quick dip today. 

Sitting on the edge of the lake Hugh watches the others. 

Michael and Sylvia appear to be engaged in some sort of three-way water battle with Keyla, Joann, Ronald and Gen. Tracy is sunning herself along with dr Madeleine Kingston, the two of them talking quietly, probably sharing crew gossip. Paul is nowhere to be seen at the moment, something Hugh is quietly thankful for. 

Hugh has situated himself well away from the rest and Paul is the only one of those here who would not accept the distance he has created and the detached expression he’s wearing as he looks out across the lake, as the shield from company they’re meant to be. 

His mood has been bad since morning and he had initially thought not to come on this outing at all, but he had let the others talk him into it, half hoping that socializing, having others in high spirits around him, would help dispel his bleak mood. Instead it had only made it worse, the sounds of laughter and splashing of water grating on his mind like sand against already abraded skin. Unwilling to give up quite yet he had stayed, but retreated to a distance knowing the others would get the message and accept the message. Yet Hugh knows that Paul will disregard it. 

He does not regret getting back together with Paul, letting him into his life and being let into his, but it is hard at times. Times like today where the darker parts of the recent past eats at him, digs its claws into his mind and refuses to let go. When this happens, Hugh has no idea what to do, there seems to be no counter for it, no way he can dispel it. All he can do is let it run its course. And there is nothing anyone else can do either, not even Paul, and the love that they share does nothing either. It is simply not enough. 

But Hugh has no idea how to explain this to Paul. Not without driving a knife into him and he can't make himself do that, not after everything else that has happened, after everything they both did and suffered. So far he's managed to dodge the issue, escaping to be on his own when he's like this. He knows that it is no permanent solution but he can't think of another. 

“Look what I found!” Paul's voice sounds from directly behind Hugh, the noise making him leap to his feet. 

He meets Paul’s happy eyes and the happiness in them immediately falters and fades, and Hugh hates himself for being the cause. He tears his gaze away and begins to walk up the shore. 

“Hugh?” Paul calls after him. 

“Not now Paul,” he says in return as he speeds up his pace. 

Thankfully Paul doesn’t follow. 

As he walks the ground begins to incline, getting steeper and steeper until he’s more climbing than walking, and the soft earth turns to jagged rocks, making cliffs that skirt the lake. 

He pushes himself towards the top of the cliffs, feeling his muscle protest against the unusual form of use, his calves burning from the strain. When he reaches the top he collapses onto his back, breathing hard as he lies there, staring up into the empty, endless sky, the restless, roaring emptiness still churning inside. 

Slowly he becomes aware of the sting from his left upper arm. Raising his head and look at it he sees a long, irregular gash in the skin. He gently probes it with his fingers, puzzled, with no idea when or where during his climb he got it. 

Sighing he sits up, then pushes himself to his feet again. He should look at it, at least clean it so it doesn’t infect. Their camp should still be mostly abandoned with nearly everyone at lake, so he can do it in peace. 

Choosing to descend via the less steep incline leading down to the rolling hills, away from the lake, he makes his way back to their base, his leg muscles aching when he gets there. He hasn’t walked this much, this far in ages. Gym workouts aren’t quite the same. 

Knowing he has what he needs himself he decides to avoid the medical building. Less chance of him running into anyone that way. Stepping inside the barrack rooms he shares with Paul he beelines for the bathroom, only to be caught by surprise by the soft, “Hugh?” coming from the couch. 

Of course Paul is here. The very last person he wants to interact with right now, the last one he wants to subject to his dark mood. 

“Paul, just-” he starts before faltering. 

Just what? Go away? I don’t want to see you? Leave? There’s nothing he can say that won’t be hurtful, so he keeps his silence, letting Paul get up and step closer. 

“You injured,” Paul says, seeing his arm. “Let me look at that.” 

“I can deal with it,” Hugh says coolly, but doesn’t try to pull away from Paul’s touch. 

“It’s at an awkward angle. It might be easier if I did it. Let me get the supplies.” 

Sighing Hugh sits down on a nearby chair as Paul disappears into the bathroom, not knowing what else to do with himself. Returning Paul kneels down next to the chair for easier reach and sets to work on the wound, cleaning and bandaging it. 

“There,” he says when he’s done. “Now if-” 

“Please.” 

“Please what?” 

Hugh shakes his head. 

“There’s nothing you can do for me right now. I know you want to help, but you can’t. Nothing you can say or do will be enough.” _ Please just leave me be. _

Hugh doesn’t want to say, looks down on the floor as he does so he doesn’t have to see the hurt in Paul’s eyes. He doesn’t want to cause that pain but there’s no way that he can keep it all from Paul anymore. 

“I can be here,” Paul says gently. “Until it is enough again.” 

“I can’t accept that.” 

“Why not?” 

“I can’t do that to you. I-” 

“Hugh. If you need distance for you, I’ll accept that. But don’t do it for me. Seeing you hurt and not being able to help is hard. But knowing you’re hurting and not even being able to be near you is infinitely harder. I want to be with you, even when I’m not enough.” 

Hugh finally looks up from the floor and meets Paul’s eyes. They’re sad, but also soft and thoughtful. 

“I want to be with you through everything. If you will let me.” 

Hugh nods slowly though every move hurt, hesitantly holding out his hand and letting Paul take it. Paul, still kneeling on the floor next to Hugh cradles it against his chest, pressing a kiss against the knuckles. His lips are warm against Hugh’s chilled skin, their touch a bloom of heat. Then he stands and picks up the first aid kit, returning it to where he took it. 

“Hugh, I’ll be staying here and doing some reading if that’s okay with you.” He waits for Hugh’s answer, a mute nod, before continuing. “If you want to talk or need anything, I’ll be right here. And if not, that’s okay too.” 

Pulling his chair to the window so he can look outside, Hugh pulls up his legs so his heels are resting on the edge of the seat, his arms wrapped around his knees. Behind him he can hear Paul putter about before settling down. 

Outside the harsh, bright sunlight burns down on the clearing. Hugh remains silent on his perch, watching as the others return, laughing and talking, preparing for supper, unable to shake his fugue state. The silence of the room only interrupted by the soft click of Paul’s stylus against the surface of his padd. 

Seeing everyone make for the mess building Hugh rises to his feet. 

“Let’s go eat,” he says. 

“Are you hungry?” Paul asks. 

“Yes,” Hugh lies, knowing that Paul will stay with him no matter what and there’s no sense in him going hungry just because Hugh have lost all appetite. 

Paul falls into step beside him as they make their way to the mess. 

Hugh sits down at the corner at one of the long tables, Paul beside him, avoiding conversation as much as he can while forcing down his meal. Next to him Paul is engaged in casual conversation with Tilly, but Hugh doesn’t miss the looks Paul gives him at intervals. 

The moment he’s done he gets up and returns his tray, barely noticing Paul being hot on his heels. He almost suggests that Paul stay as they’re leaving, but the words stays on his tongue. 

Outside the sun has begun to set though it’ll still be more than an hour to full dark. In silence Hugh starts to make his way back to the lake Paul still be his side, for once quiet. His silent companionship feels like an anesthetic on Hugh’s raw nerves, a bond that keeps Hugh from ripping apart. 

Still it is not enough, it can’t be right now. But he’ll accept Paul here next to him, a silent shadow, until it is again. 


End file.
